Step 2a of the Fusion Program: : Identify in a healthy, realistic direction, and understand that gender change for you should be mostly psychological not physical.
When a man with a femephiliac sexuality starts down the road to transsexualism, it is a consequence of his deeper female self. She is reminding him in an abrupt and arresting tone – just as a spouse or girlfriend might – that this relationship is not just about sex. When this happens it can be viewed as a call to action by the deeper female self. The big question, though, is… what action is she demanding?
The deeper female self is demanding expression and assimilation. This can happen at any time but I suspect that the deeper female self is a little bit like a guardian angel and appears when we need her: when there is something missing in our lives or we are leading a life that is inauthentic or boring; a life in which, without her, we are half a person.
However, and this is important, the feminine side you need to assimilate and express is purely psychological and behavioural. It has nothing to do with modifying your body or dressing like a woman or identifying as a woman.
Which leads to a pertinent question. “If it’s all psychological then why doesn’t the female self say so… why does the man believe that his journey must involve a female body, clothes and identity?”
The answer, my friends, is our old friend… Glamourpuss.
I hesitate to call the glamourpuss your ‘superficial female self’ (in contrast to the deeper) but the fact is that the only thing that interests her are sex, clothes and make up etc. She is largely a femephiliac creation and her voice is already prominent in your psyche. Furthermore, she is bossy, domineering and jealous, and she immediately begins to manipulate your shift in gender identity to her own ends. The question is… how?
If you did not start this programme in the correct order then you may have missed the first session. In it we talked about why women’s clothing is important to many femephiliacs. It is not so much the clothing itself, but that the infant sees it as the most visible sign of femininity in his environment, and femininity is what he is erotically attracted to. The erotic attachment gets placed onto clothing. In other cases it can be anatomical and the infant associates femininity with the vagina, and wants to have a vagina more than women’s clothing.
The point is that although the femephiliac will later assimilate many indicators of femininity, it is these first visual cues that define ‘being a woman’ in his sub-conscious. This definition is far more powerful than any rational ideas about women he learns as an adult. Thus, when the deeper female self emerges and demands he assimilate her, the man (powered by Glamourpuss) thinks – either consciously or unconsciously – that this means permanent union with the visible signs of womanhood that he – believes – define a woman.
We can see therefore, that Glamourpuss hijacks a call to action by the deeper female self and the individual becomes confused. It is at this point that the man will go online to investigate transsexualism, crossdreaming and transgender themes. Unlike on previous occasions, however, it won’t be to look for porn… it will be to understand what’s happening to him, and to find a solution. It is this confusion and a constant steam of online narratives that creates fertile ground for the glamourpuss to muscle her way in. In her unquenchable desire for the feminine, she starts to float the tantalising concept that you should become a full time 24-7 woman. That you should transition.
I firmly believe that the idea is planted by the glamourpuss and not the deeper female self. You see, your deeper female self is female, and far too sensible to get carried away with the stupid idea you should become a woman. The glamourpuss, taking advantage of your internal move towards the female, drives you towards the external aspects of the female she craves – body, clothes, behaviour – and the intoxicating idea that you can have these permanently.
Never underestimate her power. The glamourpuss literally has you by the balls because it is with her that your sexuality – one of the most powerful sources of psychic energy – lies. She uses this power to offer a compelling interpretation for the gender crisis that has seized you… she tells you that you are realising a truth you always supressed: that you are a woman… and that you must transition.
Transition, my friends, is an appropriate treatment for a certain type of transsexual and certain types of gender crisis. Let me repeat that because I don’t want this essay to be used by anti-transitioners, right wingers or any other transphobic: transition is an appropriate treatment for a certain type of transsexual. But for some types of gender crisis, it is not only inappropriate… it is crazy. Now, don’t get me wrong, I admire the grandeur of the endeavour… it is a manifestation of that pioneering spirit which moves scientists and thinkers and explorers forward… the refusal to accept limits… but in this case a refusal to accept the laws of nature is not one of those great pioneering moments… just a bad lifestyle choice that will leave the individual unhappy (though, she won’t be able to admit that because she will have taken actions that she can’t go back on.)
I have dealt elsewhere with the argument against transition in some cases of gender dysphoria. Today, my focus is not on the negatives of ‘transition,’ however, it is on the positives of ‘fusion’ – which, as the name suggests, is about integrating the deeper female self without going loco in Acapulco and mounting the psychological equivalent of the Rio carnival. To develop the theme of fusion, though, I need to deal with one of the psychological props that leads people away from fusion: identifying as female.
A word or two about identity
Our identity is fluid. Some days we are awash with patriotism and we feel like an Englishman or a Catalan. Other days we love our work and we see how being an entrepreneur is an integral part of our identity. Similarly, as the events of life flow and ebb around us we will have different thoughts, emotions and aspirations… and these will change how we see ourselves and what we identify with.
Identity is, therefore, something you construct as you move through life, and it helps to both guide the decisions you make (I’m a born entrepreneur… I shouldn’t accept this job in a corporation) and give you a sense of pride and satisfaction with who you are (ahh… a pint of Beamish… this is what every Irishman needs after a hard day.) However, the examples above are positive ones… where the identity constructed aids the individual; the unfortunate fact is that we can also create identities that guide us to the wrong decisions – an extreme but telling example would be “I’m good for nothing… being a hooker is the best I can do…” or “I’m going to blow up this building with everyone in it… that is what a true follower of my religion must do and I am a true follower.”
A certain percentage of crossdreamers will, at some point in adulthood, start identifying as female. Do you think this is a positive way to identify – like our first set of examples – or do you think it is closer to the second set?
Here’s my opinion…
Do !!!!!!not!!!!!! identify as a woman; not only will it send you down the wrong path but it will cause you triple the pain when you realise that you can never be one. You can love women, you can identify with them, you can empathise with them, you can copy them… but don’t start telling yourself you are one. Identity is a like a processor in a computer – it is of deep importance to all the processes that occur within the mainframe and if it’s faulty the whole system is corrupted. The examples above – of a prostitute, of a suicide bomber – show how identity can be like dynamite; it’s powerful stuff… so when you start identifying as a woman, it’s not something to take lightly.
In order to stop identifying as a woman, though, you need to realise why you have absolutely no business doing such a thing. I understand why you do it… as do most of the people reading this… but it’s wrong. You are not in any way, shape or form a woman… and here’s why.
- Women have vaginas and you have a penis.
- Women’s brains are wired differently to men’s.
- Women can give birth and you can’t.
- Women menstruate once a month for approximately thirty years.
- Women have numerous anatomical differences to men in everything from hairline, to size of eyes in relation to the skull, to ribcage, to size of hands, feet and ears and chin, and many more.
- Women have a whole lifetime of experience of being women and you have none. Your whole experience – even if you didn’t like it or relate to it – is of being a man.
So please, tell me what it is that makes you think you can identify as a woman? I can tell you the answer: nothing! Yes, I understand that you feel like one and that you want to be one – you and all the other readers – but feeling like one and wanting to be one are entirely different from being one. And please don’t tell me that you are a transwoman either… this is a term we reserve for a different type of transsexual.
Now, having established that you aren’t a woman, I will explain why it’s bad for you to identify as one.
Let’s think about an aspiring footballer called Mary-Lou who’s desperate to be in the school team. She loves football, she plays football, she dreams of football, football is her life, and having just read the autobiography of Lionel Messi she really identifies with the story of his childhood. In her mind she is a young Messi, she is the best in the school, she will be captain of the school team, she is going to be signed by a top team and go pro.
But there’s just one problem…
…She’s crap.
I mean… not totally crap… but not good, and a little below average.
Every week she hates training because the coach is always paying attention to the other players at practice. Every week when Mary Lou is not picked for the team she cries. Every week she runs back home to her house, shouts at her parents and is moody. She just can’t believe that the coach would refuse to put the new Messi in the school team. How can he ignore such talent… such footballing genius?
I think you know where I am going here. The problem is that Mary Lou has set her sights too high and while she continues to identify as the young Messi, not only is her identifying delusional, she will continue to feel incredible pain at her not being selected for the team. Mary Lou can only be at peace when she starts to identify correctly as a lover of football but someone who just doesn’t have what it takes. As soon as she does that everything changes… she enjoys practice, she cheers the team on, and she’s at peace.
Thus it is with your relationship to the female: as long as you identify in a way that is factually incorrect and impossible, your identification is inappropriate; it is therefore pathological and will cause you pain in some way. Believing you are a woman will just make you angry at the universe for putting you in the wrong body, you will feel frustrated at life for robbing you of what’s yours, you will stamp your feet like a child and demand your womanhood be returned to you. In short, you will not be at peace.
It’s at this point where you should be asking the question: well, fuck-face, if I can’t identify as a woman, or a transwoman… or any type of woman… what should I identify as… A MAN! That just ain’t gonna happen. Yuk!
As I have already stated above, you must self-identify in an appropriate way. If you don’t, there will be consequences for the psyche. Therefore, I don’t think you should identify as a man because it’s clearly not correct: you were born with a deeper female self, the most visible manifestation so far, being your femephiliac sexuality. If now, later in life, that deeper self is demanding expression then you have to listen to it and trying to stamp it out by identifying as a man is only going to cause conflict. Nature, via genetics, has bestowed on you the drive towards behaving like and venerating womankind… I don’t think nature then expects you to scratch your balls, stroke your beard and get on with self-identifying as Barry the builder, a regular dude. So let’s repeat the question… what should you identify as?
If we take on board that you should identify with what you really are then we should look at the facts. You have a man’s body, you have a deeper female self, your sexuality is based on projecting yourself as female, while at the same time there is a part of your mind that will always be male (sorry, but that’s true… even if you cut your balls off and live as a woman for a thousand years there will always be a part of your psyche that is male.) To me then it is clear: here we have a mix of female and male which means that you are intrinsically…
…transgendered!
That is how you should identify because that is what nature made you, and we all know you must be true to yourself to achieve good mental health and live in peace. You are transgendered, my friend, and the sooner you accept it the better, because you will find it much easier to accept that the best path for you is not transition… it is fusion.
Now, I understand that this may not come as good news to some. But that is probably because the word itself ‘transgendered’ is a little ugly. When I think of ‘transgendered’ I imagine some race of fucking aliens arriving in space ships; the space ship opens and they come down the ramp and the leader says, “greetings Earthlings, we are the transgendered.’ A shiver of fear passes through the human race, watching live on TV. ‘Transgendered’ sounds like a disorder and that is its principal point of repulsion… it smacks of something you would find in the handbook of psychiatry under illnesses of the self and identity. It even sounds far worse than ‘transsexual.’ Transsexual sounds familiar and – forgive my pornographic sensibility – but if I think of transsexual I can at least conjure up some beautiful, exotic transwoman. I think of transgendered and I’m back to Star-trek.
So I can understand why you’re not popping the champagne bottles and posting to all your friends the fact you’re transgendered. Well, don’t worry, you don’t have to, because that is the last time we will use the word. Like E-V-E-R. Furthermore, now that we have identified correctly, we will take the next step towards fusion: we will explore the possibility that whatever the name is for what you are… it is not a curse, but a blessing.
“How can that be?” You ask. “How could this constant desire and compulsion to be a woman be a blessing?”
Well, if there’s one thing I hope you’ve learnt from our time together, it’s the difficulty of proving scientifically anything concerning the origins and the development of crossdreaming. What exists, therefore, are simply group narratives which serve different group’s agenda as they attempt to dominate the conversation around cross gender behaviour. All these narratives – whether they are – a woman trapped in a man’s body – or a man trapped in a man’s body – have no scientific basis. This means that, like myths worked for the ancients, they are simply human-made narratives that help us to understand a phenomenon (transsexualism) that we can’t explain with hard science.
Therefore, if everyone is creating their own narrative, we should create a new one, and not just for petulant motives. It is high time that we began to change the way we think and talk about gender variance because despite our liberal times, the current discourse is still tainted in the minds of everyone – doctors, counsellors, members of the public, and even transsexuals themselves – by the idea that gender variance is a disorder.
It is not.
So what is it then?
Well, to discover that, my friend, we will have to travel to a future society. Next chapter please.
