Deep down, is it all about sexual desire?
As a transgender person, you inhabit an alien body. Wanting to experience sex in the right body, and getting sexual pleasure from imagining sex in that body is, therefore, only natural. That’s why we consider crossdreaming to be a clear sign of an underlying transgender psychology.
However, if you have been socialised as a male and the only conscious remnant of that psychology lies within your sexuality, then it is unlikely you will adapt well to transition: passion is not enough.
Passion fades, starting with one of its main engines – testosterone. Hormone therapy means your libido will take a direct hit, changing the way in which you think and feel about sex, and this takes some getting used to. More important, however, will be the passion damping effects of reality: you will be constantly exposed to the stimuli of outwardly being a woman, thus killing the excitement of novelty. Even when you’re cooking and you need to pop to the local shop for milk, you will be a woman. Then there’s the sheer hard work involved in keeping a feminine appearance, demeanor, voice and body language.
Get the idea?
Transition will throw up so many logistical, emotional, financial, professional and social challenges, that if your prime motive is sexual… you won’t have the strength to see it through. It’s a simple law of emotional economics: the return won’t equal the investment so you’ll cut your losses and get out.
But that’s the problem with transition, and why you need to think carefully. Once you’ve created such a stir amongst friends, family, colleagues etc. by transitioning, you’ll feel a fool suddenly announcing you’ve changed your mind. So you’ll go along with it. Deep down, though, you’ll wish you’d done what sexually motivated transitioners need to do: take the part time option!
So, I repeat… a sexual motive is fine… and understandable, but that can not be the sole basis of transition.
But how do you know that it’s not mostly about sex?
Well, it’s certainly not in those cliches about ‘liking feminine activities when young’ – that desperate combing of the past to turn up evidence you are, in reality, a girl. It’s about the anatomy of your transgender identification. If we take a scalpel to your desire… we need to find the following…
…That when you think of yourself as a woman there is a total sense of rightness, of authenticity, of completeness… coupled with the complete opposite when you think of yourself as a man. And this part has absolutely NOTHING to do with sex… it is about who you are… and is a feeling so strong that it can not be denied. And that’s the problem: because it’s a feeling you can’t even really explain… you try to base it on reason… you try to rationalise it… you try to search for its origins… but you can’t.
Now, please note that the feelings above are not justification for transition. As we said in the introduction – undefined female essence are just not enough to go on… but they are a good way of sensing the difference between a sexual desire to transition and the psychological need.
Please consider the following questions…
1… Once you have achieved climax how do you feel about being a woman?
2… If you know you will not be a sexy woman… but just an average (or maybe ‘ugly’ woman) does it still seem right for you to live your life as a woman?
3… When you picture yourself as a woman… do you only wear clothing which you find sexy?
4… Have you, as a crossdreamer, experienced a transgender awakening? A moment… or a period where you started to realize that in fact, this was about something much bigger?
I repeat, these questions are just to get you thinking. Having a sexual motive and answering yes to some of the above questions does not invalidate your desire to transition. More important than all the above is that you know, deep down, it’s not just about sex.
Okay, so, caveats finished… read the following statement…
My desire to transition is based on a psychological need and, although there may be a sexual component, that is not the principal cause.
Now give yourself a score from 0 to 10.
0 = if I’m honest, it just turns me on.
10 = This describes me exactly.
Score ____________
[…] proceed to the next unit: 3. Should I transition – Sexual motivations […]