(This article presumes that you yourself didn’t fully understand your crossdreaming when the relationship began, but now you do, and your crossdreaing has intensified. Should you tell her? However, if you are already fully concious of your crossdreaming and are starting a relationship then I think the issue is much clearer – you have a moral responsibility to tell her; however I will explore this in another article.)
This is a very difficult question. The answer is… it depends on your wife’s personality, and how much you love her.
For example, if you know your wife is not going to take it well and the relationship is of high value then you will not want to jeopardise your relationship by telling her you fantasise about being a woman being fucked by two guys (for example).
This is the point where some high-minded people go “yes… but if she was worth loving so much then she would accept you and your crossdreaming.” This is pie in the sky, nonsense. Yes, the ideal is your wife is totally accepting of you and who you are and she wants you to have a totally fulfilled sex life so she is even willing to incorporate autogynephiliac fantasies into your sex life. She is willing to do this because… SHE LOVES YOU…. Yes, I know that is the ideal.
But the world isn’t ideal. And this is the key point when dealing with this issue… you must be pragmatic and deal with things on a case by case basis. There is absolutely no a priori reason why you absolutely must tell your wife… just as the idea that a spouse has some kind of a priori obligation to accept your crossdreaming, is false.
The main thing you must take into account when dealing with your case is – obviously – her possible reaction. Now, while it would be wrong of your wife to disapprove on moral grounds with your crossdreaming sexuality, it would be entirely reasonable of her to find it a turn off. She may have an idea about the ‘man’ you are and have certain sexual leanings of her own with which do not include men who – dress as or behave like or want to have sex as – a woman.
It is this last point that is the most important when considering to tell your wife or not. Probably she is tolerant and open, and once she understands that this is something you were born with, she will be doubly so. So, I don’t think the danger is hurt or condemnation or repulsion… I just think it could be a turn off. That could be the beginning of seeing you as less sexually desirable which in turn, can have many consequences. Never underestimate how sex can affect a relationship; the emotions may stay the same… the loyalty… the bond… but once you stop being sexy to her then a change has occurred in the relationship and I don’t think it’s a positive one.
Of course, the opposite could happen… your wife could find it a turn on, or she may reveal an unusual taste which she has. The point, however, is that you just don’t know. Therefore, I suggest the following: fish around a little; perhaps watch a film with a transgendered theme and gauge her opinion; be clever… be stealth… don’t just dive in there. In the end you should always have the same criteria for making these decisions: what will make you happy? If telling your wife could lead to problems then just don’t tell her. There is no reason why you have to tell her, and to have a secret, inner world is not a heinous crime. I’m sure your wife has done things – or might be doing things – you don’t know about.
To conclude: don’t get on your moral high horse saying you must tell her and don’t get on your moral high horse saying she must accept it. Be practical, real world, pragmatic.
