admin published in Autogynephilia, Crossdreaming

Do women have autogynephiliac fantasies?

Introduction

Yesterday, I read an article by Noah Berlatsky entitled…

Why Are Trans Women Penalized For Body Fantasies Everyone Has? 

The article claims that when a crossdreamer gets turned on by lingerie or bimbofication, they are experiencing the same buzz a cis-woman experiences for lingerie or the idea of big boobs. In other words, it’s not some kind of ‘autogynephilia’ or ‘transvestic fetish’ but simply…a ciswoman’s sexuality trapped in a man’s body.

Not only is this idea nonsense, but it’s the sort of narrative that ends up doing more harm than good to the mental health of transwomen.

Why..?

…Because it causes cognitive dissonace and unrealistic expectations. They tell themselves they have a cis-woman’s sexuality but continue to experience fantasies that they know, deep down, aren’t very cis. For example, fantasies about…

_ Lactation, motherhood and/or female urination.

_ Being humiliated and abused for being a ‘sissy’ or a ‘transvestite.’

_ Wearing sanitary towels.

_ Particular fabrics such as satin or PVC.

_ Forced feminisation.

_ Exaggerated feminization.

_ A superficial attraction for men that includes stereotypical masculine traits (muscles etc.) but doesn’t include the face or true personality.

Today, I will argue that transwomen are happier when they have a more accurate conception of their sexuality.  Simplistic ideas like “my love of lingerie is just the same as a woman’s,” or myths like, “once I transition, my sexuality will be free of crossgender ‘fetishism” do not bring transwomen to the state of peace and acceptance they need for optimum mental health.

Fortunately, having an accurate conception of crossgender sexuality does not mean you have to subscribe to the ideas of Blanchard. All it means is that you accept its unique nature, and the simple fact that nobody – not me, not Blanchard, nor Serrano – truly understands its origins.

Main article

STROPPY CAVEAT

There might well be a transwoman reading this article whose attraction for wearing lingerie is the same as a biological woman’s. 

That means, by definition, you are not the sort of transgender woman this article was written for. This was written for transgender women who exhibit the behaviour described by the misguided theories of ‘autogynephilia’ and ‘transvestic fetishism.’ Therefore, don’t leave stroppy comments. I’m not talking about you!

The Moser Myth 

The main problem with Berlatsky’s article is that it is based on a Charles Moser experiment that claims to prove that ‘autogynephilia’ exists in women.

However, Berlatsky clearly hasn’t read the original paper, because the only thing it proved was that women find the idea they might have ‘autogynephilia’ so ridiculous that they refuse to participate in the experiment. That’s why the overwhelming majority of women did not fill in Moser’s questionnaire.

How many women responded? 18 or so.

Despite this pitiful level of participation, Moser believed he had enough data to draw the following conclusion: that women also have autogynephilia.

His argument goes something like this…

  • Women get turned on by lingerie.
  • Women get turned on by thinking of themselves as sexy women.
  • Women place themselves into the narrative of films they find erotic.
  • In fact, the projection of the self into imagined bodies, outfits and scenarios is the definition of fantasy itself. 
  • Ergo: crossdreamers imagining themselves as sexy women are  indulging in classic fantasy projection – as practiced by females the world over.

This is plainly untrue, and any crossdeamer who analyses their own fantasies knows it’s untrue. Putting aside forced feminisation and all our other weird fantasies, let’s stick to the basics: classic female embodiment.

Thought Experiment

Imagine you (a crossdreamer) are in a bar with your girlfriend (a heterosexual female) and a beautiful woman walks in, wearing a sexy PVC dress.

Your girlfriend – unless she has lesbian tendencies – is not going to look at the woman and get turned on. And if she does have any sense that she wanted to be that woman it’d be a straightforward case of envy and the desire to be more beautiful.

Even if she does get a quiver of excitement at the thought of wearing such a sexy dress and being that woman, it’s only a precursor to what really turns her on: the resulting sexual interaction with the target of her female heterosexuality: men.

You, however, will have a different reaction.

Firstly, there’s the possibility of an erotic interest purely in the PVC dress. Fetish fabrics dominate some crossdreamer sexualities and might have you looking over repeatedly at the shine and tightness of said fabric.

Secondly, the thought of being that beautiful woman is going to ratchet up the arousal level to an even greater degree.

Thirdly, as you stare at the woman during the night, your sexual fantasy won’t necessarily advance beyond SIMPLY BEING THE WOMAN. Other participants may or may not enter into the fantasy.

The difference between the crossdreamer’s concept of himself as a woman and that of his girlfriend, therefore, is that the biggest buzz for him is being the woman whereas the buzz for his girlfriend is the sexual activity which being that woman will lead to.

For females (I suspect) the idea of being a sexy woman is an optional extra – an added pizza topping – but certainly not the main course itself. With the crossdreamer, however, being a sexy woman is the crust, the cheese, the portion of fries and the diet coke. Simply being the beautiful woman in a PVC dress would be enough to send him into extreme arousal.

Thought Experiment 2

To see how ridiculous the idea of women with autogynephilia is… just imagine you’re Brad Pitt. Have you – or any other guy – ever got a hardon thinking you were Brad Pitt? No! You could get turned on by imagining you’re as handsome as Brad Pitt and having all the resultant sexual interactions…but you don’t look at Brad and get the horn imagining his face on your body.

Similarly, the idea that women look at pictures of Ariana Grande and start fingering themselves (imagining they’re Ariana Grande) is not viable.

A crossdreamer, however, would have no problem with such a fantasy.

Conclusion

So…

…Noah’s premise seems like a good idea. He’s trying to prove Blanchard wrong and show that a transwoman has a cis-woman’s sexuality. Unfortunately, though, it ends up laying the foundation for all mental pathologies: conflict. In this case, a conflict between…

An idealized conception of a transwoman’s pure female sexuality 

versus

The day to day reality of her not so pure fantasies

Trying to deny the true nature of crossdreamer fantasies by describing them as female (or by trying to say that ciswomen also have such fantasies) is a disservice to transwomen. You see, paradoxically, trying to whitewash female embodiment/feminization  ends up reinforcing the tenets of Blanchard: that these fantasies are shameful and invalidating.

How?

Because the implausibility of contemporary autogynephilia criticism communicates a powerful subtext to all transwomen: that whatever happens – they must always downplay certain aspects of their sexuality. When the transwoman asks herself why this is so, she can only come to a singular conclusion…

That yes, indeed: these fantasies are shameful and invalidating.

What are we supposed to do: call ourselves autogynephiliacs?

As stated before, having a more accurate conception of crossgender fantasy does not mean using the language of Blanchard or transvestic fetishism. It means that you remain fundamentally transgnostic and committed to the facts of modern transgender science: that there is none. As I’ve repeated ad nauseum: nobody knows the causes of the transgender condition or sexual orientation.

This allows you the cover to shootdown Blanchard or Berlatsky or anyone else who claims to definitively know what causes crossgender fantasy, without having to commit yourself to any alternative.

All you have to do is repeat to yourself and others just one, simple mantra: nobody knows!

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Felix Conrad published in Autogynephilia, Crossdreaming, Sexology, Sissy psychology

Am I really attracted to men? (‘The Faceless Man’ and other essays)

 

The ‘faceless man’ and the terrifying possibility that we have no sexual orientation.

Hi, my name’s Felix Conrad and I love black coc*k.

I apologise in advance to black men across the world for this blatant sexualisation of their organs but, let’s face it, that’s what sexual organs are for. Furthermore, by the same logic I’ll have to start apologising to Swedish girls who work as au-pairs, French women that are actually French maids, and any other class of people who have become the object of saucy stereotypes.

So I repeat…I love black c%*k. In fact, I love black coc*s – plural…the more the better, and the blacker and bigger and shinier they are, the better too. I would stuff them one after the other in my cake hole and merrily chomp on them like there was no tomorrow.

Or would I?

You see, this love only exists in the heat of the moment. It may surprise you to know that I’ve never sucked…or even seen a black co*k in my life, and when I walk down the street and see a black guy I don’t ask myself if he’s packing eight inches down below. In fact, I have a strong suspicion that if you actually placed his black co*k, or indeed any co*k – white, yellow or russet brown – in my vicinity, I’d be more likely to spew on it than suck. This is in stark contrast to women in the street, who my eye greedily seeks out with unquenchable thirst and who can induce in me endless sighs of appreciation and erotic thoughts.

But here’s the thing: while it’s women that interest me in the outside world, I can honestly say I’ve never fantasised about penetrating a woman in my life. I have, of course, fantasised about being a woman, and have penetrated dozens, but most of my masturbatory fantasies since I was a kid, have always involved men. And not just any old men…but hulking slabs of meat with rippling muscles and big dicks. Oh yes…and I forgot to mention…they are faceless. I think you know where I’m going with this.

Yes, my friends, what we have here is a classic case of the ‘faceless man’ as mentioned in theories such as autogynephilia – also known as ‘I’m a crossdreamer – do you mind wearing a bag over your head while I suck your cock?’ syndrome and many other terms beside. All such labels describe a phenomenon long observed in gender variant sexuality – the propensity to fantasise about men but to not put a face to the man…he is just a hunk of male matter with no features other than his rippling muscles and generous sized member.

Curiously, I’ve never mentioned him before in my writing, which is strange as he looms so large in my fantasies (extra large!) This omission has no complex explanation: I’ve been thinking about him…analysing him…probing him just as he probes me, and have never been able to come up with much to say; he really is just a faceless slab of meat. But then the existence of gravitational waves changed everything.

What changed, exactly?

A recent flurry of Einsteinian experiments inspired me to make a fifth attempt to understand two things I have never been able to get my head around: relativity and quantum physics. I understand that time slows down and that a particle can be in two places at one time and something about a dead cat…but I want to understand why and have never been able to.

Not surprisingly, it wasn’t fifth time lucky, but in my reading I came across something that inspired this book: the way that tiny, seemingly irrelevant phenomena can lead directly to some of the biggest discoveries in science. For example – the seemingly irrelevant cosmic background radiation led to the extremely relevant Big Bang. And I contemplated the fact that in the universe you can understand massive things from a single micro component…and I began to wonder if the same might not be true in our search to understand transgender sexuality. And decided that it was.

Even on this page, for example, I have mentioned in passing something which I think is of big importance for understanding that sexuality: I have never fantasised about penetrating a woman. The fact that women interest me erotically but I never look at them and think…‘I’d give her one’…speaks volumes. However, penetration was not the phenomena I settled on. Instead it was our friend: the faceless man who lords it over my sexuality – sometimes my boss, sometimes my daddy, and sometimes my husband in a parallel word where I am a beautiful woman.

As you will discover in this essay, he did not disappoint. His beautiful veiny c%*k soon led to a deeper, richer vein of understanding, because to understand a crossdreamer’s erotic relationship with men you have to understand their erotic relationship with women and with themselves, and that is the point when I discovered that when Blanchard said that autogynephiliac orientation competed with heterosexual orientation, he was mistaken. The truth is far more unsettling, and that’s where our faceless man took me: towards the startling discovery that whatever you call yourself – sissy c%*k-whore, crossdreamer, two-spirit, transgender –

…You probably have no orientation at all.

 

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Felix Conrad published in Autogynephilia, Crossdreaming, Transgender

3. Unified Transgender Theory – an introduction to cross-gender arousal

Cross gender arousal – The elephant in the room
 

You’ve all got it wrong.

Whatever you think it is… femephilia, autogynephilia, cross gender arousal… you’re all barking up the wrong tree.

You see, like some kind of fetishists – everybody is fixated on the transformation thing; on the ‘crossing’ gender; on the love of oneself ‘as’ a woman… on being femin’ised’. This is all based on the idea that the subject is a man getting turned on by the idea of becoming or being a woman. But, what if…

…he’s not a man?

To understand this, imagine if I say that homosexuality is when a guy gets turned on by the thought of him being a guy…fucking a guy. You’d be like… ‘duh…he’s already a guy.’ For me,  ‘cross gender arousal’ is exactly the same. I was born male, but I identify as female… in other words I’m transgender. Obviously, therefore, all my sexual fantasies involve being a woman; I’m transgender… what do you think they’re going to involve – me having an enormous cock and big muscles, ‘fuckin the hoes’?

Cross gender arousal is not only a factually incorrect description of my sexual fantasies, but also contravenes contemporary gender theory as espoused by the legal system of our country: ie. that a person can assign their own gender. If I am a woman trapped in a man’s body… I am not a man fantasising about being a woman… I am a woman fantasising in the logical and natural way. There is no crossing gender or love of oneself as a woman… I am a transwoman and I’m fantasising in the appropriate way. Even if you disagree that I’m a woman… you will grant that I am a male to female transsexual… and it’s logical my fantasies are played out in a female body.

To further get your head round this… think of a biological heterosexual woman somehow trapped in a biological man’s body. Now, what do you think she’s gonna do when she masturbates? She’s not going to suddenly think about penetrating women – tool in hand; she’s gonna touch her chest – in her mind thinking of her female chest – she’s gonna imagine she’s in a bed with a man and he’s touching her pussy – she’s gonna think of her as a female holding his penis ETC.ETC.ETC. Do you see what I mean? When you are transgender you obviously fantasise in the body of the gender you identify with… there’s no weird transformation fetish… or paraphilia… or gender bending. So just as you wouldn’t expect a ciswoman to fantasise about having any other body other than a female one… don’t think of a transwoman as any different. Both see themselves as having a female body in their fantasies.

Now, I already hear you getting stroppy… “Ahh yes… but if it’s a female sexuality…why are so many transgender male to females attracted to women?”

Why do you think? Because their female essence… their nature… their sexuality… is trapped under a dirge of male plumbing, socialization and anatomy. I understand that this is a crude argument in biological terms… but it’s common sense that transgender sexuality is going to come out a little different. It’s like putting an android operating system in an iphone. Furthermore, although they describe themselves as being attracted to women pre-transition, it is well known that many fantasise about sex with men. Post transition, many transgender women who previously said they are only interested in women then have relationships with men.

 

So, I grant that the transgender female sexuality is often different to her female counterparts, but that’s because it flows through the circuitry of a body that does not match its gender core. What they both have in common, though, is that their fantasies take place in a female body. I repeat: there is no such thing as cross gender arousal. That is why I refuse to use the term, or any other that implies I am of the gender assigned at birth fantasising about being a different gender. That is why I use the term crossdreaming.

Of course, your second argument will be that there are many so called ‘autogynephiliacs’ who identify with their cisgender and are not transgender… therefore, their sexual tendency is, quite literally… a man getting turned on by the idea of being a woman.

Now, I’ll admit that my reply to this argument is pretty radical… but it is the only explanation that makes sense.

5. Crossdreaming as a symptom of an underlying transgender psychology

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Felix Conrad published in Autogynephilia, Crossdreaming, Transgender

4. Autogynephilia as a symptom of an underlying transgender psychology

 

Continued…

I believe in Universal Transgender Theory. This theory states that a large number of groups who have previously been thought of as somehow different – early onset transsexuals, crossdreamers, late onset transsexuals etc…- are all, fundamentally the same. They’re transgender – and the cause of their gender variance is the same in all cases:  a gender core that does not match their body. All that differs is the degree to which they identify with their gender core, and the degree of success society’s had in socialising them to their assigned gender.

A so called ‘autogynephiliac’ who identifies with his assigned gender has succeeded – prompted by everyone from his parents to his peers – in overriding his instinct towards female identification. However, he is still fundamentally transgender because his gender core doesn’t match his body. And if you don’t believe this… then explain the phenomenon known as ‘late onset transsexualism’… where an autogynephiliac man with no history of gender issues… who never previously identified as a woman… suddenly has a gender identity crisis in his fifties and identifies as a woman.

You see, although the public are accustomed to stories of transsexuals who always knew they were transsexual… we in the transgender community, know that they are only half the story. Many of those who have a gender identity crisis have a long history of identifying as their assigned gender. They are there… essentially being men… having children… and there is nothing unusual about them except for one thing: they engage in so called ‘cross gender arousal.’ Apart from this they are like other men and are quite happy being men… until one day, they’re not; then they have a massive gender crisis and start identifying as female just as strong as their ‘early onset’ counterparts.

Now tell me… how in God’s name is that possible unless they were transgender… but had been socialised away from their transgender instincts? Their so called ‘femephilia’ was a remnant of their transgender nature.

You see, think how easy it is to socialise a transgender infant. Out of pure instinct the kid presents himself to his parents dressed as a girl (this is a common experience of crossdreamers’…). The parents tell him that this is not appropriate because he is a ‘boy’. The nature of a child is not to seek difference but to ‘fit in’ and this is even more pronounced with their peers. Therefore, think of the infant logic…

  •         Mummy says I’m a boy
  •         Teacher calls me a boy
  •         Other kids call me a boy
  •         I have short hair and willy of a boy
  •         Ipso facto logicus… I’m a fucking boy!

I would bet – though we will never know – that at that ipso factus logicus moment – there is literally a part of the brain that gets coloured in and a sticker put on it that says ‘boy’. He has now self-identified as a boy, so to his concious mind he is… a boy. However, there is one part of a human that no amount of socialisation can erase. Society can make you feel guilty about it… you can feel guilty about it… but sexuality and reproduction are too important for the species to permit a program rewrite. As we have seen with the gay community… if you love men you love men and no amount of electric shocks, injections, therapies and prejudice can change that.

This is exactly the same for our transgender kid. He has successfully identified as a boy and is living as such… but when it comes to his sexuality no amount of socialisation can remove his female instinct. Yes, he will be able to have sex with women, yes, he may be attracted to women… but if he is on his own… fantasising… he will never fantasise about having a penis and penetrating women… he will always fantasise in some way, shape or form… as female. It’s true that it comes through all sorts of filters and that this desire will chanell itself in some unusual ways… but I repeat… there is a mass of male socialisation and biology which it has to pass through.

So, if a man, who identifies as a man, always imagines himself as a woman in his sexual fantasies… then we can say that in one sense, he is crossing gender. But in another he is not… because he was born with a female gender core and might well identify as female later on in life as many ‘autogynephiliacs’ do (once repression and socialisation have been eroded.)

Another weakness in trying to describe the autogynephiliac as male, is that at that moment…during the fantasy…he is identifying as female. Contemporary gender theory says that how you identify is your gender… therefore, in that moment, he is female. If he is not identifying as a female… ie. he is fantasising about being a man in a dress… then he is not crossing gender in any sense…he is having a fantasy about being a man in a dress. You may say that his female identification doesn’t count because it’s only occurring when he has sex… or that it’s ‘just sex’; however, there is no such thing as ‘just sex’. If there was… then there would be no gay culture, gay marriage or gay neighbourhoods, because all ‘gay’ would mean was that you stuck your willy in another man’s bottom and the second you climax the whole gay thing is finished… until the next time your willy is in a man’s bottom.

 

As well as the fact that sexuality is a core part of the self, we humanoids are either thinking about or engaging in sexual activity constantly. It is a significant amount of time that an ‘autogynephiliac’ spends identifying as female and I don’t think you can downplay that – just because, in his non horny moments, he identifies as male.

It is my opinion therefore, that while it’s obvious that a blatantly transgender person does not engage in ‘cross gender arousal,’ even a male-identifying ‘autogynephiliac’ is not crossing genders. This is because he is, in a sense, already a woman. So called ‘femephiliacs’ are simply transgender people who were robbed of their true nature. The robbers were parents who, through no fault of their own, were working with a twentieth century gender theory. The children themselves co-operated with this robbery because the same gender theory – ie. genitals = gender was/is prevalent in society and they didn’t want to be different.*

*Very important: it is not the goal of Unified Transgender Theory to increase the amount of transgender people in ‘transition.’ The logic – “I’m transgender – therefore I must transition” is incorrect. The logic is “I’m transgender, I must take whichever path will lead to the maximum happiness for myself and those who I love, understanding that happiness is a multi composite state of mind which includes romantic relationships, friends, career, health and many other aspects.”

Evidence for this (though, not hard evidence, I’ll admit) can be found amongst the hundreds of teen transgender vloggers on Youtube. Out of respect, I’m not going to start naming names and quoting videos – but many defy all previous models of gender variant behaviour. All the bullshit stereotypes of so called ‘early onset transsexuals’* are overturned… (that they are effeminate, that they only fancy guys etc…).This is because they’re what happens when a transgender kid grows up in a family or community where gender is flexible. The boy appears in a dress at five and is allowed to continue exploring that path. Had they been told it was inappropriate… they would have ended up as that most conflicted of souls: the  ‘autogynephiliac.’

*Theorists love to ascribe complicated reasons for early and late onset transsexualism. However, some kids may identify as transgender very young for a simple reason – they are stubborn – and refuse the gender dictates of the parent.

For me, though, the ultimate proof that crossdreamers are transgender… is that so many of them identify as male, but then experience a gender identity crisis later in life. Let me ask you again: if they weren’t transgender… why the hell would they question their gender?

Oh… sorry, how stupid of me… I forgot. The fetishists have already answered that question.

‘The fetishists’ are those who have dedicated their careers to proving that crosssdreaming is a fetish. I call them fetishists because their obsessive devotion to proving it’s all a fetish, and their constant obsession with the details of transgender fantasy, is extremely fetishistic. Their aim is to create a disunified transgender theory that divides us  into sub groups and species. In one such theory we are divided up into the catchy terms…

‘autogynephiliac non homosexual transexuals,’ and…

‘autogynephiliac homosexual transexuals’.

In their opinion, the reason some crossdreamers go on to become transsexuals is the following: they already have a fetish called ‘autogynephilia’, but the ones who go on to transition, do so, not because they have a fetish… but an…

…EXTREME FETISH!

Yes, these extreme fetishists are like trannies on crack. They’re the white water rafting, throwing themselves out of aeroplanes, mega tranny, who are so incredibly turned on by pretending to be a woman… they sign up for the 24-7 package. That’s why super randy gender bender, Geena Rocero, always looks so happy… she’s buzzing off being permanently horny (now you know why she’s smiling in that photo with Obama!) And that Caitlyn Jenner… have you noticed why she has to constantly excuse herself between interviews? She’s off to the toilets to bat off because she’s just so horny all the time.

 

The fetishists might respond that these two didn’t practice cross gender arousal… but I can assure you that’s not true. There is not one male to female transgender person on the planet who did not fantasise about having a female body, pretransition. As stated, it’s impossible they didn’t… how else is a transgender person going to fantasise? This means, that the fetishists are saying all transgender people are fetishsists. That is the reason they want to change their sex. Not because of their gender core, not even because they are delusional… but because they have… a fetish. Thanks guys. Nice fucking work. There’s psychiatrists out there trying to cure addiction, depression, apathy, aspergers… and you’re brilliant project is to prove that the transgender population are fetishists. I’m sure the university of Raqqa has a position for you.

This absurd idea goes against all common sense. The sexual urge of a male body is powerless without testosterone, yet the first thing a male to female does is take testosterone blockers,  and then their libido tanks. If their motive was sexual they would completely lose interest at this point.

When they realise the absurdity of their argument the fetishists then change tack and leap from the absurd to the surreal. They then say… “well, no, actually… it’s not a fetish… it’s a love affair with an imaginary woman… and the autogynephiliac himself is that woman!” WTF! What this means is that through your fetish… you fantasise about being a woman… then you fall in love with that imaginary woman… and boom… you love her so much you are willing to lose your genitals to become the imaginary woman. Of course, when they hear just how stoopid this sounds they then revert back to a more conventional argument which is that fetishsits often glorify the object of their fetish and seek permanent union with it. And then they mention amputee fetishsists. Wow, now I’m really starting to understand Geena Rocero better: she’s a permanently horny gender bender with an amputee fetish and that’s why she had her genitalia removed… oh… and she’s also in a love affair with her self.

Look, as stated before…

“The taking of significant amounts of female hormones by a man will often reduce his sexual “potency” to zero within two or three months.  The long term use of hormones inevitably means a greatly shrunken penis, an inability to have erections, and permanent infertility after perhaps two years.*” (http://www.secondtype.info/hormones.htm)

Do you really think that a fetish would still have such a hold over the individual after two years of these hormones, followed by the surgical removal of the genitalia??? Impossible. A delusion… yes… an obsession…. yes… a personality disorder… yes… but the desire for sexual stimulation is not enough to carry a transgender person through the financial, medical, familial, social and professional complications they must pass through to transition.  A fetish? Please… if you can’t have respect for our community… at least don’t engage in blatant disrespect!

Conclusion

For me, it is clear that cross gender arousal does not exist. In the case of transgender people who go on to transition this is obvious, but even so called ‘autogynephiliacs’ are not crossing gender because they are, whether they know it or not, transgender. It is for this reason that Unified Transgender Theory rejects all terms which state that there is some kind of switch from male to female, or even anything out of the ordinary. It is the most natural thing in the world for a transgender individual to imagine making love with a body which reflects who they are. To outside observers this may look like cross gender arousal, but to us it’s the sensuality of true gender.

6. Arguments against Unified Transgender Theory based on certain types of fantasy.

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Felix Conrad published in Crossdreaming

What is crossdreaming?

What is a crossdreamer?

A crossdreamer is a person who gains sexual, emotional and psychic satisfaction from cross gender ideas or behaviour.

The sexual fantasies of male to female crossdreamers can include any or all of the following…

  • 1. Being dressed as a girl. (transvestic)
  • 2. Behaving like a girl. (behavioural)
  • 3. Being embodied as a female and having a vagina etc. (anatomical)

The common thread of these fantasies is the need to be feminine.

This does not mean they aren’t turned on by heterosexual sex. Many crossdreamers are married and able to play the sexual role expected of a husband. However, deep down their fantasies always return to being feminine.

Where does the term come from?

 

‘Crossdreaming’ is a term coined by Jack Molay for a phenomenon that some sexologists refer to as ‘autogynephilia’ (and psychiatrists as transvestic fetishism.) For many transgender theorists, however, crossdreamer sexuality is simply a logical consequence of being trapped in the wrong body.

The new term was coined not only because autogynephilia and transvestic fetishism are seen as offensive, but because they fail to adequately capture the behaviour they try to describe.

  • Autogynephilia overreaches and tries to create some elaborate theory of transsexualism.
  • Transvestic fetishism underreaches and attributes everything to a fetish for female clothing.

The good thing about ‘crossdreaming’ is that it is not entirely sexual. It includes fantasies that are emotional and centred on a broader sense of self. The picture above perfectly captures the concept. Unlike autogynephilia, it’s dreamy and includes the personality.

Why might someone see themselves as a ‘sissy’ or ‘autogynephiliac’ rather than a crossdreamer?

There are five stages in the development of crossgender sexuality. Some people never go past stage 2.

For many, reaching climax is the end of their cross gender experience. They have no desire to cross gender in any context other than a sexual one. Furthermore, they may be embarrassed about their sexuality. Therefore, they prefer to think of it as a fetish with no deeper ramifications for their psyche.

For those quacks who are determined to reduce cross gender arousal to a fetish, crossdreaming is seen as dressing it all up in flowery language to make it less sexual. It’s also a favored target of internet trolls who like to harass proponents of the term and accuse them of converting autogynephilia into transgenderism.

Is ‘crossdreaming’ the only politically correct term for cross gender arousal?

Because contemporary gender theory states that gender is a matter of self identification, all terms such as ‘cross gender arousal’ and the love of oneself ‘as’ a woman are deemed offensive. If a transgender person is engaging in such fantasy then they are not crossing gender at all, as their gender is that which they fantasize about.

This leaves Jack Molay’s term as the only acceptable label for such behavior.

(You can visit Jack’s website – crossdreamers.com

What’s the relationship between crossdreaming and late-onset transsexualism?

The causal relationship between a sexual interest in being a woman and the latent development of a transgender identity is fiercely controversial.

If you claim that late-onset transsexualism is an outgrowth of cross gender sexuality then many transwomen say you invalidate their identity. To them, it is reducing their femininity to a fetish.

If you want to save yourself a lot of time (and controversy) then be aware that such a causal link can never be empirically proven or disproven. Therefore, I advise you to keep an open mind. If someone says they find ‘autogynephilia’ offensive then respect their wish and don’t use the term.

Comments that Jack Molay wanted to add to my definition…

“Thank you for this one, Felix. I can relate to all of this.

Several things happened after I came up with the term, which is — as you point out — a non-toxic alternative to the term “autogynephilia”.

  • 1. I realized that it was a much broader term than “autogynephilia”) which only covers people assigned male at birth who are attracted to women). I have learned to know MTF crossdreamers who love men as well as many FTM crossdreamers who love men.
  • 2. The term has taken on a life on its own. While it originally referred to sexual fantasies, crossdreamers found that that was a too narrow perspective, and included non-sexual interests, expressions and identity traits as well.

As for “sissy” fiction and imagery. This is definitely an expression of MTF crossdreamer sexuality, but it is not the only one. If you go over to sites like Fictionmania, you will find that a lot of crossdreamer fiction is not sexual at all, and that much of what is erotic or even pornographic, does not fit the “sissy” aesthetics of submission and “bimbofication”.

I am not saying this because “sissy” fantasies are wrong or amoral. Fantasies are fantasies and we should only be held accountable for our actions, but many MTF crossdreamers do dream about becoming strong, intelligent, independent women — also in bed.

In my own life I have also noticed that my fantasies change as I am able to integrate this part of me into my sense of self.”

Thanks, Jack 😉

What now?

If you are just starting to explore why you fantasize about being a woman then you have three options.

  1. If you are gender confused with a history of crossdreaming then start with the first article in this series. What is a transvestite, and why are women’s clothes so prevalent in cross gender psychology?Or…
  2. If you are interested in analyzing common features of crossdreamer sexuality and sissy porn (why do fantasies include weird stuff like men and french maids etc) then click on this link.
  3. Do our sissy test and see what the correct term is for your sexuality.

 

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admin published in Autogynephilia, Crossdreaming, Transgender

If I transition…do friends have a right to know about my erotic interest in feminization?

When I read articles by well-known liberals espousing the rights of transgender women, I often wonder what they would think if they found out that a certain percentage of those women have a life-long, sexual interest in feminization.

Imagine that I, Felix Conrad, decided to transition tomorrow and started to live as Felicia Conrad. I would return to London and mix with my old university friends and attend workshops of fellow writers and go to meetings and do all those things which cosmopolitan professionals do. Naturally, as I was moving in those circles, everyone would be liberal and accepting of my transition and the fact I was transgender.

However, that acceptance would rely on a liberal narrative about the transgender condition which they all subscribe to. They would believe that deep down I’d always known that I was a woman and that I was trapped in the wrong body and my transition was about being liberated from that captive body. But would they be right?


Mixed Motives

The problem with the classic transgender narrative – in my case – is that it doesn’t include sexuality.

Obviously, as a blogger who specializes in crossdreaming I am aware of the arguments about transgender sexual fantasy/autogynephilia etc…so let’s not bore ourselves by repeating them. Instead, let’s agree on the following: that, as a crossdreamer, part of my motive for transition would be sexual i.e. it would turn me on to feminize my body. Personally, I think there’s nothing wrong with that, but it would surprise my liberal friends to discover this.

Of course, you could say that a homosexual who comes out to his friends and family does so in order to lead an outwardly gay life. Part of his reason is that it’s much easier to date and have relationships…therefore, part of that is sexual. But it’s not necessary he tells people about that reason…it’s implicitly understood. Similarly, it’s implicit that when a transwoman transitions she’s looking forward to having sex as a woman and having sex as her true self…and it’s not necessary to mention it.

However, there’s a difference…

While all transwomen look forward to having authentic sex as their true selves, there’s a percentage of those women who are crossdreamers. Not only do crossdreamers look forward to authentic sex, but they get turned on by the concept of being a woman and the various trappings of femininity. The general public, however, are simply not aware of this crossdreaming dimension.

Personally, I think that the general public have such a narrow view of sexuality that informing them would lead to misunderstanding and prejudice…so we should probably keep it to ourselves until we live in a more enlightened age. However, it’s not going to change the sentiment with which I began this post: that while I think it’s necessary we keep crossdreaming to ourselves…it makes me uncomfortable that liberal supporters of transgender rights (our most important allies) don’t know the full story about why some transwomen choose to transition.

So, as Felicia Conrad’s friends gathered around and expressed their solidarity with my suffering and the fact I always knew I was a woman, I would accept their support. But deep down I’d feel guilty because the crossdreamer’s story is more complicated than that…

…much more complicated.

Or is it? Please tell me if you think that a crossdreamer who transitions has a moral responsibility to tell her friends about her erotic interest in feminization.

xx

 

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admin published in Autogynephilia, Crossdreaming

How crossdreamers can live longer and earn extra cash!

 

Having spent a sizable portion of my time recently, being intellectually skull fucked by the notorious WXLUP, I would like to extract something positive from the experience.

I initially thought of creating an app – The WXLUP generator – which would, on demand, produce the type of overlong sentences he seems to favour. This is not a real quote, but one from the generator…

It is the thing therein, therefore, which reflects the essential reductionist dimension of the fetish’s chief quality: that of being simultaneously constructed within both the microcosm and the macrocosm of latent…

Seeing little commercial application for such a generator – other than to induce migraines – I have shelved my plans and settled for a philosophical learning. Which is…

When it comes to transgender philosophy the emotion leads the intellect, making some disputes impossible to resolve. This is because the people involved have formulated an intellectual version of what is, essentially, a strategy to cope with a previous or ongoing gender crisis. Giving up their intellectual position, therefore, would collapse their coping strategy and cause them suffering.

There is no greater example of this than the current debate raging on the crossdreamer Reddit, which I thought was linguistic, but now realize is emotional, and impossible to reconcile.

Just in case you don’t know what this fucking boring debate is about (though, I must admit it was me who started it)… it’s very simple: some people don’t want other people on the Reddit to refer to crossdreaming as a fetish and some people do.

Now, instead of going through the usual debate about linguistics and sexuality which will surely call into action both the Conrad and WXLUP generators, let’s conduct an emotional analysis.

The two sides in the argument reflect the two types of visitors to the crossdreamer Reddit.

1) Those who think cross gender arousal is just a fetish and anything that results from it (transgender desire etc) just an outgrowth of that fetish.
2) Those who see crossdreaming (in differing degrees) as an expression of a deeper female self.

Both sides have a clear emotional investment in their position WHICH THEY WILL NEVER GIVE UP because they represent two common ways of interpreting and dealing with cross gender fantasies. Humans need to cognitivise stuff, they need to understand themselves, and once that understanding is reached no amount of argument will dislodge it.

The two methodologies for coping with cross gender desire are…

1) To downplay its importance as just an embarrassing, but harmless fetish.
2) To up-play its importance and see it as a sign of a deeper, transgender psychology.

You would think, though, that if they are coping strategies it should be easy to switch strategies if you see one working better than the other. This is rarely the case, however.

Why?

Because they are, in turn, reflections of a deeper emotion about transgenderism. You see, whatever his or her final verdict on their cross gender desires, there will always come a moment where the individual has to question their gender. They never have to ask the question… is this sexual? (they already know that because they’ve been getting a boner about it their whole life). But at some point, a new, testing question emerges: am I transgender? From here it’s easy to see the evolution of the two responses. In fact, three responses.

1) A person who hates the ideas of being transgender will decide the whole thing is a ‘fetish’. In fact, he will enjoy the negative connotation of the word fetish because it shows just how silly it is. He will therefore develop all the concepts and ideas that prove HE’S DEFINITELY NOT TRANSGENDER… and anyone that calls him trans will be offending him.

2) Someone who can’t quite make up their mind whether they want to be transgender or not will spend their whole life, hovering around the middle, not knowing whether it’s just sexual or something deeper. They remain in a permanent intellectual limbo that means… THEY ARE DEFINITELY MAYBE TRANSGENDER, and depending on the cycle of the moon or whatever else controls their constant turn-coating, may or may not see the fetish label as offensive.

3) Someone who embraces their transgender feelings – sexual, emotional, cerebral – will want to go the whole hog towards the gender they identify with. They will therefore interpret their cross gender arousal as just another example of the fact that they DEFINITELY ARE TRANSGENDER… and anyone who refers to fetishes will offend them.

Conclusion

There I was, thinking that if I could just explain to the fetishists about the origins of the term, and how it offends some people etc… that they would stop using it. BUT THEY CAN’T. Despite they’re talking about the removal of any stigma from the word fetish they kinda like it because it proves that the whole thing is just sexual and that they ARE DEFINITELY NOT TRANSGENDER.

Okay, guys… we get the message…YOU’RE DEFINITELY NOT TRANSGENDER. (Sorry to take the Mickey out of the fetishists, because we are all doing the same – turncoats and transgender: allowing our emotions to guide our intellect.)

We can conclude, therefore, that any intellectual debate about cross gender arousal with a person who experiences cross gender arousal, is a complete waste of time. You can have a much speedier, efficient discourse if you start with the simple question…

Would you like to transition and live as a girl? yes, no, or maybe.

With that one word answer you’ll already know if they’re a fetishist, a turncoat or a die-hard, and that they believe all the resulting philosophies that goes with those things. And you also know that they’ll never change their mind.

Knowing this simple trick in advance can literally save you hundreds, if not thousands of hours of wasted conversations, Reddit exchanges and forum interactions, with people who WERE NEVER GONNA CHANGE THEIR MIND… NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAID. It’s literally… extra hours of life. Now, all you need to do is take that previously dead-weight time and use it to move your career forward, and you’ll soon be generating extra cash!

And on that note, I’m happy to announce that it’s time for me to leave my musings in transgender philosophy for a couple of months, to work on other projects. I leave you in the hands of Electra.

See you in January…
Mua…

 

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admin published in Crossdreaming

Is it acceptable to use the term ‘fetish’ and ‘paraphilia’ when talking about crossdreaming?

I’d like to speak today about a linguistic dispute in the reddit crossdreamer thread. A dispute which can be described in the following terms…

    1. – Some members of the community want to refer to crossdreaming as a

fetish

    1. . We will call them

fetishists.

    1. – Some members are offended by this. We will call them

crossdreamers

How to resolve this issue

First of all I want to make clear that this is solely a linguistic dispute. Crossdreamers have no problem with the idea that crossdreaming is fundamentally sexual.. ie… there are no hidden female identities, no transgender narrative… and that the crossdreamer is primarily motivated by a sexual urge. Crossdreamers do not believe that, but recognise it is a valid argument.

So that’s not the cause of the dispute. What offends the crossdreamers is the use of the words fetish and paraphilia when talking about that sexual urge.

The crossdreamers claim – and this is the heart of the issue – that fetish and paraphilia are stigmatising, loaded terms. They are basically synonyms for perversion and abnormality, and that there are a whole range of neutral terms which can be used to replace them. These neutral terms, such as ‘sexual preference /taste for/ sexuality/ erotic interest in/ orientation/ allow for the same debate – minus the offending language.

The fetishists argue that fetish and paraphilia are harmless, neutral terms – simply labels for a range of sexual tastes which differ from that of the majority.

Okay, so does everybody have the two sides clear? 1) fetish and paraphilia are loaded, stigmatising terms. 2) fetish and paraphilia are harmless labels for alternative sexual desires.

Step 1 – seperating ‘fetish’ from ‘paraphilia’

Fetish has three meanings:

1) Sexological:

‘A sexual focus on a nonliving object or nongenital body part.’ American institute of Psychiatry.

2) Common parlance A:

Any type of sexual taste that is different from classic heterosexual sex. This can be completely benign and harmless: “Tommy has a fetish for latex.”

3) Common parlance B:

Any type of sexual taste that is different from classic heterosexual sex and is considered perverted: “Tommy has a fetish for latex (said contemptuously.)

Initial Conclusion

Firstly, it is blatantly and abundantly clear that crossdreaming is not a fetish in academic, scientific or medical terms. In fact, James Cantor – qualified sexologist and virulent believer that transsexuals are motivated by sexuality – wrote here 3 weeks ago…

Finally, autogynephilia is not a fetish. (Fetishes are sexual interests in inanimate objects.)

…(And please… nobody throw transvestic fetishism into the equation because crossdreaming is not the same as crossdressing.)

Secondly, while there are some people for whom fetish is a benign word and a harmless reference to alternative sexual stimuli… it is undeniable that a substantial portion of the population see the word as synonymous with kinky, not normal, perverted.

Therefore, it is patently absurd to claim that the following phrase ‘crossdreaming is a fetish’ is a harmless statement when it is …1) scientifically, medically and sexologically inaccurate… and 2) well known that ‘fetish’ is synonymous with ‘perversion’ and ‘stigma’ in the public imagination.

But not only is it patently absurd… it is patently unacceptable to bring such language to a reddit described as…

a safe place for discussion and support for Crossdreamers…. Our goal is to foster a community that helps people to find what they’re looking for. We promote the exploration of gender, without stigmatizing your sexual interests.

THE WORST THING ABOUT THIS IS THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO COME TO REDDIT LOOKING FOR ADVICE… PEOPLE IN CRISIS… and their whole experience gets hijacked by obsessive fetishists projecting their humiliation fantasies onto the rest of the community.

The final argument of the fetishists: “Sexologists, academics, doctors and the general public are wrong… our meaning is the correct one. The word ‘fetish’ shouldn’t be stigmatised…”

Sorry, but you cant go back in linguistic time. Yes, for some people it’s not stigmatised, but for many it is, it always will be, and therefore the term will never be clean. It’s contaminated… and trying to hold onto it when there are so many alternative words makes no fucking sense. So give it up! Or at least… take it the fuck out of your crossdreamer discourse!

Peeople who try to say the word fetish and paraphilia are harmless just don’t know their history. The words were clearly invented by early sexologists to distinguish certain types of sexual behavior as errant and others as correct. Even now, if you enter paraphilia into google this is what you see… ABNORMAL, EXTREME, DANGEROUS!

 

An olive branch to the fetishists

At the end of the day we’re all just trying to understand our lives. The majority of the fetishists – people like interbeung – are not trolls, they have a sincere belief in their theory, and we shouldn’t attack them.

Let’s also remember that we have no problem with the argument that crossdreaming is just a sexual phenomena and that all that transgender stuff is nonsense… All we ask is that you refrain from using the word fetish and paraphilia when talking about crossdreamer sexuality; maybe you have no problem talking that way, but we do.

Maybe the difference between us comes down to a different experience of crossdreaming. It maybe that the fetishists only fantasize about domination and humiliation and therefore see it through that prism. For many crossdreamers, though, domination is not their turn on; many have classic romantic fantasies, many dream about being in a lesbian relationship, some are genuinely attracted to men and have loved/are in love with men.

Crossdreaming is, therefore, a general term for an enormous swathe of sexual, emotional and psychic behavior that occurs in the context of gender variant psychology. You simply can not come in, guns blazing, saying everyone has a ‘fetish’.

So let’s all chill the fuck out… and let’s not criticise anyone (not even WXLUP – whose Reddit I visited yesterday and found some interesting stuff in). But please… no more use of the word fetish with respect to crossdreaming… it’s factually incorrect and considered by many as offensive.

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Felix Conrad published in Couples Therapy, Crossdreaming

Crossdreaming has made me lonely and incapable of a normal relationship

 

Introduction

I have just read a classic description on Reddit of egodystonic crossdreaming… which means, basically, the person hates being a crossdreamer. As is often the way with such cases, the first implement they flagellate themselves with is shame.

What particularly upsets this person is their love of humiliation. However, I would point out that if you are turned on by submission then you should be grateful that all you require is forced feminisation. When it comes to BDSM, forced feminisation is child’s play. What is it, really? It’s basically a game of dress up followed by penetration. In contrast, other forms of domination require burning, whipping, binding, suffocation, being hung upside down, trampled on, shat on and pissed on. Then bear in mind that there are currently circulating in society – child molesters, zoophiliacs, amputee fetishsits and people who are into stuffed toys and balloons.

However, shame is not the subject of this article. Today I want to talk about those who believe that crossdreaming is pathological – ie. a mental affliction like addiction or neurosis that negatively affects one’s life. In many such cases the person believes that their inclination makes it impossible to engage in classic heterosexual sex and/or relationships. This is because – as the individual gets drawn ever deeper into a sexual and emotional relationship with their female side – they withdraw from the outside world and feel increasingly lonely.

Today I would like to examine this in detail and then ask if there is such a thing as pathological crossdreaming.

Diagnosing pathological crossdreaming

How do you know when a life isn’t going well?

I think we would all agree on the following…

If a person’s social, professional and romantic life is on a sharp decrease… while solitary time spent fantasizing and masturbating is on the increase… then there’s a problem.

The above description is relevant to a minority of crossdreamers who explain their stories in online forums. They are caught in a crossdreaming black hole… where an ever increasing amount of time gets sucked into porn, fantasy and related activities. The question is… why?

Is there something in the nature of crossdreamer sexuality that leads to black hole crossdreaming?

Yes. Their are two factors involved.

1.

For many reasons, the crossdreaming sexuality suffers a great deal of repression. This means that while heterosexuality has a lifetime to mature slowly like a fine wine… the crossdreaming sexuality develops in fits and bursts, or sometimes… all at one time. This means that a person can experience a massive escalation of fantasy as they unleash their sexuality.

Riding the wave of emerging crossdreamer sexuality can be extremely difficult because what’s happening is complex. It bears a strong similarity to sex addiction but it is also a process of self discovery. It often has three dimensions.

– Enjoyment of the desire
– An obsessive slide into semi-addictive behavior
– The joy of self-discovery and expression

2.

Crossdreaming is not as ‘auto’ as some people claim but it can not be denied that it is an extremely self-centered form of sexuality. It is here that Woody Allen’s quote ‘masturbation is sex with someone I love’ is highly relevant. There are all sorts of dimensions and personal narratives involved in crossdreaming which can make it far more involved and compelling on a solo level.

So it’s true that crossdreaming does have some properties which can lead to pathological behaviour ie. an excess of time spent on fantasy to the detriment of work, friends and romance. However, and this is a big HOWEVER, these properties should never be enough to suck in a mentally healthy person for too long, and although they can still be a little obsessive… they ride the wave and get on top of it. Some people don’t, though, and as they slide into the black hole, that is the point where they have to see this has nothing to do with their sexual inclination but a symptom of some deeper pathology.

The slogan to remember here is “depression is depression.” Whether it’s drinking, excessive masturbation, compulsive shopping, gambling or any other addictive behavior… a withdrawal from the world into some private, pleasure inducing activity is almost always a symptom of depression.

When thinking about depression, you must erase whatever ideas you have about the condition. Depression has many forms and many symptoms but always has at its center the same fundamental cause: there is something very wrong with your life. Apart from some cases – thought to be endogenous and chemical in origin – the something wrong is usually a lack of personally meaningful activity and meaningful emotional attachments.

If you are in this position, it is time to get yourself into therapy. This is non-negotiable. Life should be lived to the full, and trying to cope with this on your own will lead to a half life and a shadow existence.

5 tips to healthy crossdreaming

1. Embrace it. Fighting your sexuality is a war you’ll always lose… it’s like Vietnam and Iraq rolled into one.

2. Create a masturbation countdown. Colloquially known as a ‘wankdown’, this means you set a limit (literally… set the alarm on your mobile) on how long you’ll let yourself surf porn before you reach orgasm.

3. Don’t get all caught up in the pointless ‘do I want her, or to be her?’. It is a meaningless chicken and egg question that can’t actually be answered. Trust me… a hottie is a hottie and a boner is a boner. When she is guiding said boner to her vagina you won’t fail. And.. if she’s not a hottie… well, you won’t want ‘to be her’ anyway.

4. Set clear professional, social and romantic objectives in your life. Invest half the time you spend trawling porn, on using the internet to achieve your objectives: Linked-in, dating sites and writing to friends etc.

5. Masturbate/ have sex regularly. There is a clear corelation between the nonsense fantasies of a crossdreamer and the amount of sperm buildup. Get that shit out regularly – preferably with a man or woman you love – and you will calm down. (The question of being both a good lover and a crossdreamer will be the subject of a separate post.)

A Big Fat Complication

One problem with all this, however, is if the retreat into solitary compulsive fantasy is due to the advent of late onset transsexualism (remember, this does not mean the transsexual is old… but that they never realized before that they were transgender).

When a crossdreamer crosses the line to transsexual – ie. they have a strong urge to live as a member of the opposite sex – but no way to express or live it, then a retreat into fantasy is inevitable.

But then you have the complication within a complication. Because the body, manner and dress of the other gender feature so prominently in crossdreamer fantasy… they always end up in a circle of chicken and egg, trying to workout if it’s all a part of the sexual fantasy or something deeper.

Soloution

The soloution to discovering whether you are transsexual or not, is not – in my opinion – to start a low dose of hormones and see how you feel. That’s like taking cocaine to see if you like it or not… of course you’re gonna like it. I have come to believe that all crossdeamers are transgender and almost all will feel good with hormones.

Gender therapy is a good idea… but be careful. Here the danger is not so called ‘gatekeeping’ but them throwing the gate open and inviting all-comers to party. There are some gender therapists who are a little too steeped in the accepted narrative.

To be honest, I think a good solution is (rather conveniently) my book. The eccentric notion of ‘fusion’ is a chemical-free way to discover the depth of your transgender psychology, while moving your life forwards. The basic premise is this…

Give it one last try, and basically do everything you can to build a meaningful, healthy, stimulating life without HRT or surgery. I assure you… if you follow this program and still want to transition then you are definitely transsexual and you should definitely transition.

Visit shop…buy book!

So, to conclude, in my opinion crossdreaming can become pathological, but only as a symptom of a deeper pathology or the symptom of a late onset gender crisis.

[email protected] Life-coach, and most excellent drinking companion.

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admin published in Crossdreaming, Late onset transsexualism, Sexology

If my transgender experience began with a sexual experience… is my female identity a creation of my sexuality?

 

 

This question is annoyingly persistent in the crossdreaming community, and it is a morbid, obsessive question which lingers in the transgender mentality, causing doubt and shame. It is so important we resolve this question that I am going to deal with it in detail and write down the different ways in which it is formulated. It goes like this…

1) Is the cross gender identity I’m developing now, motivated – deep down – by my sex drive?

2) While my female identity may be extremely nuanced, and based around a whole set of aesthetic and personal tastes that aren’t sexual – is it really just a sophisticated form of being horny – an outgrowth of my sexual urge to be a woman?

3) To put it bluntly, in a way which all of us would consider crude, offensive and wrong, but one that occurs to me in moments of doubt: am I just a pervert?

4) Is the deeper cross gender identity experienced by some femephiliacs just the result of their femephiliac sexuality?

5) Is the new me just some bizarre creation of my sexuality?

6) Is my sexual taste just a manifestation of my deeper female self, or is my deeper female self a derivative of my sexual taste.

This question is of existential importance to some crossdreamers because it seems to be the key to whether their cross gender identity is valid or not. They believe that if, deep down, it all has a sexual root, that would somehow invalidate their cross gender aspirations. It would be ‘just sex’ and therefore not real. If their cross gender identity and aspirations are not sexual, however, then that would make them valid and real.

Personally, I would dispute the validity of the question. It is prudish – old school – like sex is dirty and something to be ashamed of; and it is also simplistic in its understanding of sexuality and its relationship to the wider self. However, as the question is important to many in the community I will answer it.

First, let’s place the two – apparently irreconcilable – dimensions of crossdreaming, side by side. We have

1. The sexual: when the individual is engaging in sexual behaviour based on cross gender fantasies.
2. The deeper female self: all female behaviours, ideas, tastes, which are not sexual.

And now I want you to choose the correct answer to the million dollar question. Whether his deeper female self is…

a) The prime cause of his female identity with the sexual part just being one manifestation of that deeper self.
b) A derivative of the dominant psychological force at work here: his sexual desire to be a female.

Did you answer A or B? Well, it doesn’t matter because you’re wrong either way. I tricked you. The answer is…

C) Neither of the above.

Really, how the fuck would you prove A or B? The question is absurd because we know so little about the interplay of genetics, neuroscience and social conditioning at work. The real options would have to have be a,b,c,d,e and go on for several alphabets because there are many unknown variables involved. So, unless you work in some secret laboratory in Serne where a team of crack geneticists, neuroscientists and developmental psychologists are working on the problem, don’t start telling me, or more importantly – yourself, that you know the answer.

Therefore, because we don’t know, you cannot…

…Separate the sexual from the deeper female self, or vice versa.
…Create a convenient causal relationship between the two.
…Grant one a priori status. Sex drive says, “I got there first so I must be the boss.”

So, let’s try to escape the narrow polarisation of A versus B, and let me ask you a question: Who built the pyramids… the replaceable and expendable grunts who carried all the blocks of stone? Or the team of genius’s who, in a world without calculators or engineering degrees, designed them?

A smart Alec might reply… “the grunts built it… you didn’t ask who designed it?” and that would be valid, but we all know that if the geniuses hadn’t designed it then it would have been impossible to build. Similarly, the psyche of the crossdreamer in which he has both a sexual urge to be a woman, an emotional urge, and an aesthetic urge – are all part of the female identity which he develops, and you can’t separate them with amateur psychology or dogmatic ideas about gender that you want to force on the world. It’s like… a Macdonalds happy meal comes with nuggets, fries and a toy. It’s a package. In fact, the question about the sexual drive creating the psychological drive is like looking at your happy meal, picking up the nuggets and asking if they caused the fries… or did the toy make the nuggets and the fries? None of them made each other, they all came together and we cannot say with scientific certainty how it happened.

Now, I would like you to consider your reaction to what I’ve said. I think my answer will be unsatisfactory because we have a natural tendency to monocausal explanations. Tell the truth, we humans are… pretty fucking dumb. The idea that the sex came first so that must be the cause of all else is exactly the sort of idea we love. It’s sequential, tidy, logical. But unfortunately… crossdreaming is a mental and genetic and social phenomena, and not some simple, mechanical apparatus that can be explained with ease. Similarly, the argument from quantity is powerfully enticing … whatever there is the most of must be the dominant force: “Because the majority of my crossdreaming thoughts are sexual then it must all be sexual.” I would reply, “Well, of course, their mostly sexual… humans think about sex constantly… what do you expect most of the crossdreaming to be about… quantum mechanics?”

The first argument – the sequential – in no way addresses the nuances of sexuality and its wider effect on behaviour, nor powerful psychological forces such as repression. It is quite plausible to me that the infant mind immediately represses his contrary gender identity, but this force is only powerful enough to partially repress it… it cannot override a powerful human instinct like the sex drive and thus the sexual aspect of crossdreaming remains in the conscious mind while the gender identity gets buried.

To be honest, I’m not totally convinced by that theory, but try to prove or disprove it. My previous point is worth repeating: we are not even in the infancy of understanding the complex interplay of genetics, experience, neuroscience and social conditioning that gives rise to so much of human psychology. To say that the female identity of a late onset transsexual is just sex is only one notch of sophistication up from saying that the world doesn’t fall because it’s being held up by atlas, or that the sun moves across the sky dragged in a chariot by the sky god.

To show the complexity of the situation, think of some of the scientific data we do have, rather than unprovable psychological mechanisms. We know from numerous case studies that once a transsexual takes hormones their sex drive falls off the cliff (due to the absence of testosterone). This should mean, therefore, if their crossdreaming is sexually motivated that they should lose interest in transitioning. But they rarely do. Although they are no longer aroused by crossing gender it still feels right and natural and an arrival at their true self. Conversely, for those in the ‘it’s all a deeper psychological drive’ camp, consider the type of sexual fantasy this individual has from a very early age… surely, if he was in some deeper sense – female – the sexual behaviour would be that of a female and he would fantasise about men, as women do. However, the substance of his fantasy – even if it includes men – is always about being a woman, and that is the source of the erotic impulse.

So unfortunately for those who want a simple explanation, the deeper female self and the sexual self are not locked into a convenient causal relationship where we can say one causes the other. I believe they come in the same package. And I say ‘believe’ because – I repeat – at this moment no one can be completely – or even slightly – certain.

To conclude, if you are currently involved in the debate… is my female self, deep down, just a creation of my sex drive… the answer is… I don’t know, and no one will know until both you and your female identity are long dead, so stop being drawn to the wrong question and start asking the right questions.

Start Session 3… NOW

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