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Mistress Elle published in Couples Therapy, Sexology August 18, 2020

Why do married men watch porn? Is he still attracted to me?

Introduction…

If you don’t understand the intensity of men’s attachment/addiction to porn, it can be humiliating and shocking to discover that your boyfriend is regularly masturbating to Pornhub.

However, there are mitigating and aggravating factors which mean that this habit might be completely harmless on one end or outright harmful on the other. Today we’re going to look at those factors and distill them into 5 reasons why your husband or boyfriend is watching porn.

1. He’s just a healthy, red blooded male.

Men are genetically programmed to spread their seed as far as possible. And to mate with as many women as they can. Even if you are a veritable Goddess, he is still going to lust after your friends, your colleagues, and random women in the street. That’s just the way men are.

A decent man, however, keeps it at that level: lusting after rather than pursuing.

In the case of a decent boyfriend, therefore, porn is fine. It allows him an outlet for imagining having sex with other women, but without actually doing it. So, as long as he’s a good husband and is still providing you with sex, who cares if he goes off to his study and spanks the monkey to some random porn star?

2. He has a fetish or orientation that he has not told you about.

When you discover that your boyfriend is watching porn, it’s helpful to know what type of porn. Why? Because there’s a possibility of a raging fetish that he’s never told you about. In fact, he might even be gay.

If you see a couple of fruity items on his search history (bondage, sissy porn, shemales etc.) don’t think too much of it. It’s common for men to dabble with many types of porn. If however, you see one type of porn repeatedly (and it’s something kinky) then you know that he’s watching this porn because it is a major part of his sexuality. Like everyone, he needs to channel that sexuality.

Please be sensitive if this is the case. Although we live in a liberal society, there are still many prejudices against certain types of sexual behavior.

Here are your five options.

Accommodate the fetish within your shared sex life.
Accommodate the fetish by allowing him to continue with his online release.
Ignore it.
Forbid him (not recommended.)
Leave him.

Again, the main issue is whether he’s providing you with the right amount and type of sex that you need. If he is, then there’s a strong argument to leave him be. Conversely, if he’s not providing you with sex… and he’s spending all his time in fetish world – then you might as well just be friends.

3. He isn’t really attracted to you…and never really was.

Sometimes, men fall into relationships for the wrong reasons. They might be drunkards, or desperate, or after some kind of economic gain, or just lazy (they go out with the nearest, easiest option and are just too idle to move on,) or don’t know what they want.

This makes a man the walking dead of your relationship. He’s not truly attracted to you. He’s just there – the way a tree is just there in the park.

In this case, there is an extra dimension to his porn use. He’s seeking the satisfaction and thrill he doesn’t get from you.

If you suspect this is your case, then ask yourself if was there ever a time when the two of you had great, passionate sex? If so, that means he was attracted to you, but has lost interest. That’s a remediable situation.

However, if you guys never really had good sex, and there was never really passion, and now he’s tugging his weener to porn every day, then you know he’s not really attracted to you.

4. He really was attracted to you…but the thrill has gone. Or… he really was attracted to you… but you’re crap in bed!

These two go together because the remedy is the same: you need to pull your finger out…

…and stick it up his bum.

Okay, maybe not that…but you need to start getting more kinky and a bit more technically savvy in the bedroom.

A lifetime of porn means that most men think it’s perfectly normal for a woman to always wear sexy lingerie in the bedroom, and to allow the man to ejaculate all over her face when he’s done. At some point, you will have to porn up your style in the bedroom – or he’ll start spending more time in porn world.

Also, you’ve probably let yourself go a little. When you first met, you had the body, the long glossy hair, the tight dress and the edgy lure of unpredictability. Now, you’ve put on 5 kilos, hair’s short, you’ve got the baggy jumper and the clockwork routine of a working mum. Not surprisingly, he’s not attracted to you the way he was in the past. And it’s mutual!

These are the 10 basic strategies you should consider for re-injecting the thrill – or becoming a better lover.

Swallowing.
Allowing him to ejaculate on your face.
Investing in a wide selection of sexy lingerie/costumes etc.
Get a boob job.
Don’t cut your hair short.
Dress sexily (which basically means a combination of tight, leather, revealing, silk, PVC, or transparent.)
Wear lots of makeup.
Buy a strap-on (if he’s into being dominated).
Allow him to dominate you (if you’re both into that.)
Learn some key ‘dirty talk’ phrases and learn how to fake it a bit.

5. He’s a selfish little s**t

Number 5 illustrates the nuance you have to exercise when thinking of the question: why is my boyfriend watching porn?

Yes, men watch porn and they always will, so it’s just normal But there are many supplementary behaviors which transform this normal past time into something pernicious. In the case of number 5, there are some men who’re using porn compulsively, not engaging with their partner emotionally and sexually, and they are just behaving in a selfish way. In other words, it forms part of a more general fact about him: he’s not a very good husband/boyfriend and he prefers porn sex than you sex.

For example, if he knows he’s got a big night with you – which includes sex – and he’s in his study jerking off to porn all afternoon, then it’s clear that he won’t come to bed with the gusto he would have.

Conclusion…

Now you understand that 98% of men watch porn, you know that the simple fact of watching porn does not necessarily mean anything about how he feels about you. Consequently, you need to dig a little deeper and look at the context for his porn use and the tyoe of porn. And the general rule of thumb is this…

If he’s a good husband and/ providing you with sexual satisfaction – cut him a break. If he’s a bad husband and/or not providing the goods, then serious questions should be asked.

My wife caught me watching forced feminisation porn – help!

Dear Felix,

I’ll get straight to the point. Two days ago I was caught by my wife in an extremely compromising position, watching hardcore Lustomic forced feminisation porn. Having read your article on ‘should I tell my wife about my crossdreaming’ I was hoping you might be able to tell me how the hell I can fix this situation. My wife won’t even talk to my right now.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I wish that some sophisticated yet soothing words rushed to my lips, but the first thing that comes to mind is just….

I’m not gonna lie to you… this is some bad shit. I mean, there’s porn that everyone knows… two big titted blonde lesbian nurses spanking each other, but forced feminisation is a whole other level. And the worse is… she caught you in the act… so you can’t even go for the old ‘I was doing some research’ defence.

For a wife who knows nothing about her husband’s autogynephiliac tendencies… it must be one hell of a shock. Like… totally unexpected. I guess when you say ‘hardcore’ you mean the whole forced feminisation nine yards… which means she can’t even think her husband is just a comunal garden crossdresser, but a sado masochistic crossdresser who likes anal. I don’t want to make you feel worse but I think it’s important you see the gravity of the situation… including the possibility she might tell someone else about it. We really have a problem here.

When you have a problem like this and there’s a possibility that a marriage (and therefore complications with your children) are at stake… you have to be smart. That means… first of all… pleading the fifth: keep your mouth shut… and don’t open it until you know exactly what you’re going to do. Men are fools… and inevitably, while trying to make their wives feel better, say something stupid and ill considered that makes it worse. So…

Step one: Schedule a time and place to talk about it with your wife. In the meantime – neither skulk around being all gimp-like (you’ve shown enough of that already) but neither walk around as if nothing happened. Be calm and considerate.

Step 2: Take a half day off work.

Solving problems is an art. You need to get a few hours completely free, a peaceful place, and a pen and paper (or Google Keep if you’re walking with your phone). Then you gotta answer the following question…

Step 3: “What do I want?”

Before we invest any more time in this, be sure that this marriage is what you want. The fact your wife didn’t know about your sexuality isn’t a good sign. However, I’ll presume the answer is ‘yes’.

Step 4: Decide if you’re gonna go for… ‘The truth, the half truth, or… nothing like the truth.’

Honesty is always the best policy. Lies are not just morally bankrupt but a symptom of a life that is inauthentic and relationships that are false. There’s no doubt in my mind that telling the truth is your number one responsibility.

But, as we say in the philosophy business… “What is the truth?”

The truth is, without getting all Game of Thrones and shit, a many faced God, and if children are involved (ie… a custody battle) who’s going to start getting all noble about the truth if it will damage your relationship with your children?

So, while your moral responsibility is the truth, I will (as your advisor) give you three different angles, starting with the most outrageous.

Step 5 A: Flat out denial

This strategy reminds me of Renee in Allo Allo when he is caught kissing Yvett: “You stupid woman…”. The flat out denial states that you had actually lost interest in the porn site fifteen minutes before, and were simply masturbating to your own fantasy while x hamster continued in the background. As everyone knows these videos are pretty random and come from playlists you had nothing to do with. “Jesus, you think if I was into that shit I would be able to have normal sex? God… how ridiculous!… you stupid woman.” (Obviously, you don’t say ‘you stupid woman’ but I add it because that’s essentially what you’re doing. This is a pretty low blow, cowardly, and I feel bad even telling you this strategy. It should only be used if something unjust and terrible will happen if you fess up.)

It can be adapted or completely changed, but basically you go all OJ Simpson and deny it all the way (but don’t get caught again… pulling off the ‘you stupid woman’ play a second time is not viable: “it was just a coincidence… that there was another forced fem video in the background.”)

Step 5 B: The truth burger

A truth burger has the truth at its center but is cushioned by the soft, pliable dough of fact management.

Is that so bad? Society is still very repressed and homo/transphobic… and even if your wife is a liberal she may suffer from these things. Therefore, there is an argument that as society is prejudiced and repressed and unfair about these things… you don’t have to be completely fair ie. truthful.

The truth burger would go something like this…

“I am a man with broad sexual tastes… and one of those I will admit is female domination. Dominatrixes turn me on… but so do beautiful Latin women and girl on girl action and lots of things. The particular video you saw is not something I’m really into but I’m a big fan of the dominatrix in it… and it was the only one I could find.”

With the truth burger you basically admit you’re a little kinky but hold off on the feminisation part.

Step 5 C: Man up

The great irony of manning up, of course, is that you’ll be revealing yourself to be a dress wearing pansy.

(Editor’s note… we do not use the term ‘man up’ or ‘pansy’ as they are clearly problematic, but Felix insists he was being ironic.)

However, it is clear that this is the path of honesty and courage. If you go for it then I applaud you… but remember that there are different ways of presenting the truth.

If you are explaining crossdreaming to your wife I would emphasize one key fact: that you are fundamentally heterosexual… you like sex with her, you like sex with women, you do not habitually cross dress and you will not be doing the Caitlyn. You are a man… but you have a mildly transgender nature… and this sometimes manifests itself in your sexual fantasies. As for that specific video… you don’t like watching the guys (which I presume is true) you just like the dominatrix… that’s what turns you on. (I think the whole forced thing is something you should downplay – not for reasons of deceit but just because despite my effort to explain it in two articles… it’s hard to understand, and will just confuse her.)

Step 6: Decide where to go from hereon in

I think an unsatisfactory outcome is that you manage to bluff your way through this but it’s always there in the background. Every time there is a mention of bondage or cross dressing in a movie the two of you both feel uncomfortable. I really recommend that – whatever strategy you choose – the issue is definitively dealt with.

As a couple, there are two options open now: your wife can decide to explore some of this stuff with you sexually, or the two of you go all Taliban and never mention it again.

The ideal situation is that you both be honest with each other about your sex life and see the episode as a chance to introduce some new erotic elements. Encourage her to open up more and tell you her deepest fantasies. (However, remember my previous advice that if your wife does indulge your fantasies you can not let that totally dominate your sex life. You must regularly provide good old-fashioned sex and also help her act out some of her unusual fantasies.)

In the Taliban scenario… I would promise to give up porn. Let’s face it… porn is enormously problematic, and giving it up will probably be better for your karma. You could say that the whole episode has made you see porn as sordid and you want nothing to do with it ever again. You then devote yourself to upping your game in the bedroom and providing total satisfaction.

Step 7: Find out – in detail – how your wife feels about the episode

Your wife will, I’m sure, tell you how she feels…repeatedly. But I think the feelings you need to know about are those she would express to a friend. You see, she might, for a variety of reasons, forgive you, but she may – in some intangible way – have lost some of her respect for you.

You could argue that this is shallow on the part of your wife… it’s just sex after all… and we all have our kinks. However, we can not control who we are attracted to and why… and the simple fact is that she may find the whole episode completely sordid.

If that’s the case then you really need to know about it. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect you is a one way ticket to unhappiness for you, for her, and your children. If she is just staying with you out of loyalty then the end will inevitably come and it’s better that happens sooner rather than later.

Conclusion

Anonymous, I know this sounds fucking corny… but in the end, you have to do what’s right. What’s right is what’s going to lead to you and your wife being happy… and I can’t see that deceit will lead to that. A general rule of thumb is that if you feel guilty about your strategy then it’s probably the wrong one… if it feels noble and sincere then it’s the right one.

However, we all have to be pragmatic. I don’t know your situation in detail, but if being noble ends with you – divorced, not seeing your kids, and hitting the bottle… then you might want to reconsider.

General advice for crossdreamers

In my opinion, you have a moral responsibility before entering into a new relationship – to tell your girlfriend about your crossdreaming (I understand, though, that for those in long relationships you may not have understood your crossdreaming when you were younger.) Of course, the danger is the relationship breaks down and then she goes tell everyone… but don’t tell her everything in one go. There are ways to do things and ways to do things.

[email protected]

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Felix Conrad published in Couples Therapy, Transgender July 21, 2017

What are the signs my husband is a sissy, transgender or a transvestite?

Sexual signs…

1) An excessive sexual interest in female clothing – especially super feminine items like lingerie and items made of fabrics usually reserved for females: satin etc.

2) An elevated interest in pegging or other sexual activities where he is submissive. A tendency to lie on his back and open his legs like a woman awaiting penetration.

3) An interest in sexual fantasies where both of you are somehow involved with another man.

4) In private he will favor porn based on the above but may also use porn which explicitly centers on sissification, feminization and/or transvestism.

5) A strong desire to have chest/nipples and anus played with.

(Please note that all these sexual behaviors are features of other, unrelated sexual profiles and even if he ticked all of these boxes it would not necessarily mean he was transgender).

Behavioral signs…

1) A high degree of empathy for women and stated belief that they are the superior sex.

2) An unusual degree of interest in female fashion/makeup/lifestyle.

3) A preference for female company.

4) Unusual care and attention to personal grooming.

(Please note that all these behaviors are features of other, unrelated personality profiles and even if he ticked all of these boxes it would not necessarily mean he was transgender).

The nitty gritty

IMPORTANT: first of all, as someone outside the transgender community, you probably don’t have your terminology clear. Although there is a crossover between the two it is quite different to ask “what are the signs my husband is transgender?’ than ‘What are the signs my husband is a transvestite?’ So…let me just clarify some sexological and psychological distinctions.

Is my husband a transvestite?

There really isn’t such a thing as a transvestite…it’s an old fashioned term that misunderstands what’s truly motivating the crossdresser.

A man who is wearing female clothing for sexual pleasure is a crossdreamer (also known in pornographic culture as a ‘sissy’ or ‘autogynephiliac’). The definition of a crossdreamer is a man who gets turned on at the idea of being a woman. In other words…he doesn’t have a fetish for women’s clothing per se but a fetish for being a woman. The clothes help him to carry out his fantasy. (The ironic things is (if you’re a wife reading this) he may not even know this because very few people know about crossdreaming. Many men think they are indeed ‘transvestites’. Therefore, you now know more than him about his sexuality.)

However, it is extremely controversial to say that he has a ‘fetish’ for being a woman. Some sexologists and gender theorists believe that this form of sexuality is a milder form of transgender condition which – though mostly sexual – does indicate some deeper strain of femininity.

The most important thing you need to know, though, is that men who are into crossdreaming and crossdressing are almost always heterosexual (despite some of their fruitier fantasies) and never need to live as women the way a true transgender woman would have to. They can be just as ‘manly’ as any other man.

However, if you choose to allow him some opportunity to express this sexual behaviour, make sure that you strike a deal where a certain amount of times he has to give you the sex you want. If you allow a sexual crossdresser to fulfill their fantasies they will start to want it all the time. Remind them that sometimes you need a good old fashioned man (if that’s what you want.)

Is my husband transgender?

This is a different kettle of fish entirely because if your husband is transgender it means he believes he is a woman and he will therefore experience a desperate and compelling need to live as a woman. He may be able to resist this need, but it will take considerable effort and a certain degree of sacrifice.

Also, trying to read the signs of a transgender husband is difficult because there’s a complication: many married men who come out as transgender have a lifelong history of the type of erotic crossdressing mentioned before.

Therefore, if you discover, for example, that your husband is wearing your clothes…there are three possible explanations.

1. He’s a crossdreamer and it is a purely sexual experience.
2. He’s a transgender crossdreamer and it is a sexual experience…but he’s also transgender.
3. He’s transgender and is just chilling out in your clothes, expressing his fem nature.

This means, therefore, that you need to stop looking for signs he’s transgender or transvestite or trans curious and straight out ask him the following question in a loving and understanding tone…

“Darling, I’ve been doing some research online because I’ve been suspecting for some time that you are wearing my clothes / watching sissy porn etc and I need to know if this is just a sexual thing or if you’re transgender?”

That is the only way you will know for sure what’s going on.

(p.s. If it turns out that he does have transgender leanings but – for your sake – he wants to continue living as a man, then I recommend he reads the following books. They are about living with intense transgender feelings while living as a happy, healthy male.)

E-mail me for advice.: [email protected] (Click on image below for another article).

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